I'm getting that unsettled feeling again. Everything inside me is too real - I'm being weighed down and pulled on by the fearful depth of existence, and I can't hold it back. It would be better if it were outside me, better still if it existed less. It halts me before I can reach that productive rhythm and toys with me if I try to beat it back with meditation. It's going to be over soon, but there's no way of knowing in advance if it will strengthen or diminish me. I'm awaiting an execution, but wearing my sunday best, just in case.

We've been here before, many times. There's a rich modern history with no heritage before it. There's a loathing we can acknowledge as special. There's nothing but fear, hope and their embodiments in memory. It's hard to believe we would put ourselves through this again, but impossible to imagine how we could drag ourselves out of this game. Every year we will have something to prove or to defend, every year we will be threatened again.

This is the bizarre fear that has accompanied Liverpool's ascendence in European games, and latterly in the league. There is a great deal more to lose as a contender than there is for an outsider. There is more to be afraid of, terror that glories of the past are becoming distant and diminished and that in their place remain only victories by most hated foe.

Garcia's goal was nearly 4 years ago; it doesn't feel like 4 years. Eidur Gudjohnsen's volley is there every time I close my eyes. Sometimes when I'm panicking I lower my eyelids and it goes in. It has been difficult to forget about last year, too. I don't remember the goals Chelsea scored, more the bizarre dissonance I feel, the profound fireworks that fail to go off in my head, the non-event. And most of all the loathing, unsettling, pressing sensation that was there before the game, and which I won't be able to expel for at least a fortnight.

Rafa has signed a contract up to 2014. 2014! How big is that number?!? If you'd asked me about the year 2014 when I was ten (1996, if it matters) I would have confidently told you it was a year that would not come to pass because by then the sun would long before have crashed into the seas and obliterated everything.

This is a pivotal point in football history. For me anyhow. Alternate history is interesting but you rarely sense the potential at the time quite so much as I think you can here. Liverpool are a team on the brink. Great in Europe, passable in the league. Financially sketchy, needing a new stadium. Only a couple of years left until the super-human axis of Gerrard and Carragher has faded. Competent in every position, world-class in, it seems, relatively few.

Rafa's a very very good manager, potentially a great one, who bemuses me more than anyone on earth. His decision-making is astonishing and totally unpredictable. He's got a very cautious approach. I'm certainly in two minds as to whether one of his Liverpool teams could ever win the league. I anticipate his teams will always punch well above their weight in Europe, which is quite something, but there's no doubt about it, we need something in the league. And it niggles that maybe we can't get that with this man - we'll always suffer those killer home draws against Stoke and West Ham.

The future of Liverpool football club could hinge on this story. If I had to make the decision, would I keep Rafael Benitez? I love Rafa. I don't have full confidence in him, but maybe I couldn't enjoy this club so much if I did. There's a perfect natural imperfection to Rafa. It might be a case of hope against hope. But I think Liverpool will win a title under Rafa (I have to believe: I don't think many players in the Premiership need titles under their belts more than Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher). Maybe it's better to believe than to know.

The title race alive? It's been on life support for a while now, and only an almighty collapse by United could let Liverpool back in now, I have to feel. But nevertheless, it was a particular joy to me to watch Liverpool score 4 at Old Trafford; I had a football match of my own at 2 (my final appearance for Biochemsoc) so I missed most of the second half. But watching the highlights last night could scarcely have made me happier.

I've seen a number of sub-par performances by players in red shirts this season, but standing high atop the lot of them has to be our overweight, under-paced, incredibly mediocre £8 million pound left-back Andreas Dossena. I'm definitely not the only one to have failed to take  a shine to Dossena. But I just feel like noting, he's scored the 4th goal in wins over Real Madrid and Manchester United within the same week. This must be pretty rare. They were also his first two goals for the club.

Particularly enjoyed the MOTD montage of Wayne Rooney having an off-day. And the praise for Sami Hyypia, who is simply exceptional. I've become inordinately fond of a number of players down the years but I think Sami is the only one who could ever rival Steve McManaman (a childhood favourite so virtually impossible to displace).

Oh, football. It's been a long time.

I don't think you realise quite how much I missed you.

Will Robbie Keane combine with Torres? Is Gerrard fit? Does the return of Agger forever vanquish defensive jitters? Are Benayoun, Alonso, Kuyt, Finnan, Arbeloa here to stay? Are any of our new signings any good and will any youngsters break through?

All of these questions, and more, will be answered between the first KO of the Liverpool season in 2 hours time and the cold distant future.

He would not have been my choice. But given our midfield depth, maybe Robbie Keane is the better signing, over Barry. Regardless, I am pleased he's joined the club, and hope for great things from him.

Maybe we can sell Voronin for a small fee and bring through the likes of Leiva, Ngog, Plessis, Nemeth, Hobbs, Pacheco, Brouwer, Saric, Darby and Spearing over the coming seasons. It would be fantastic to see some of this young talent prove itself.

Just what in blazes is going to happen at Liverpool?

With some reports putting the Reds up to £800m in debt (!!!) and the enthusiasm of Gillett and Hicks far from certain, I'm starting to feel a little embarassed. It's blatantly, painfully obvious that we can't sign David Villa - we don't have the cash! Benitez won't be spending much more than he receives this season. This is Anfield put it in a rather gloomier way.

So what receipts can we expect? Riise's gone, Crouch soon to follow, about £12m between them. Alonso to Juventus would be potentially a (reported) £14m. Could we get another £5m for Pennant, Carson, Itandje or Voronin or a combination thereof? Will Finnan be thrown in as a bargaining chip, or does Kuyt's head end up on the chopping block?

Realistically, not that much can be raised, and you have to be concerned about the kinds of players we're bringing in - it appears we've spent nearly £10m on Degen, Dossena and Cavalieri already. Barry at a rumoured £18m would surely gobble the rest, and can it be said he's a large upgrade to Alonso (a good professional who loves the club)? Bentley might be a better target, as a young and ambitious player who could provide width and some flair. Robbie Keane, whom Benitez appears to like the look of, is a good goalscorer, but in my opinion hardly worth breaking the bank on.

For the love of the Kop, let's hope Rafa doesn't turn in Finnan and Kuyt, consistent and hardworking players who I see as essential to Liverpool's current set-up. Benayoun is also crucial, an effective squad player who provides the creativity we have in short supply.

Troubled times indeed. I never imagined when Hicks and Gillett rode in that I'd be considering the intervention of human-rights-atrocious Dubai as possibly heaven-sent. Assuming Dubai inc.'s interest has been killed off, though, where can I find a ray of hope?

For me, it's with the (maybe delusional) hope that we could pull an Arsenal. Liverpool have had an active academy system, and it would be fantastic for some of the players in the youth set-up and the reserves to break through and prove their worth.

A relationship with MTK Hungaria has brought several young talents over, such as the prolific Kristian Nemeth, and the reds should use their name to bring young talents to Anfield from near and far, as I hope they've done with new youngsters Nikola Saric and Lucas Weijl. We must cross our fingers and hope that players like these, and the Spanish youth contingent, including Daniel Pacheco, can make a first team impact, but it's a long-term gamble.

Of course, I wish it weren't quite so. If only the youngsters I'm putting so much hope into were british and could contribute to our national teams as well, but with the state of the game in this country, that doesn't seem to be an option.

And with our finances, our owners, our stadium situation, our manager and current squad, I hate to see money thrown around, especially on players that could so easily join the ranks of the Cheyrous, the Palettas, the Josemis and Voronins.

Quite a season ahead.

Delighted for him. (And of course, Xabi, Alvaro and José, along with the rest of the Spanish side)

A good tournament, although I found it difficult to spark that much interest in a lot of the games.

Very pleased that the right team won out at the end, and that Torres really made his mark (another mark?) on the world stage.

Will be fantastic if he can continue to play superbly for Liverpool next season.

Goodbye John. We shared a lot of great times, and more mediocre times. I liked you a lot, and I wish you were the right one, but you're not and it's not meant to be.

I've never seen a fellow work so hard over the course of a match, let alone selected out of position for heaven knows how many matches in a row. For a striker to not score any of our 4 goals and still win my heart is incredible.

Dirk Kuyt, you can never do any wrong in my eyes.

European nights like tonight awake in me the deepest of excitement and the most primal of fear. I'm terrified and elated and I have no idea what will happen. I fear the worst; Arsenal are a stunning attacking side and Liverpool tend to do nothing but sit deep. But I also kind of expect us to win through. Heaven help me if it goes to penalties.

Mascherano, Gerrard, Alonso, critical tonight. Hopefully Finnan's fit and Carra can return to centre defence. I'd love to see Torres perform miracles again.

No prizes for guessin what I'm doing tonight.

Beastly.

Pretty pleased with tonight's result. Hard fought, and (nearly) well-deserved.

If Liverpool's start to the New Year is anything to go by, I'm not looking forward to 2008 in football. Observing Rafa Benitez clinging to his job, and the Reds huffing and puffing but failing to blow any of the little teams down, neither of these are things I'll be looking forward to. Added to that, I'm denied even the usual buzz that should surround a European Championships, due to Englands incompetence. It can't be as bad as it seems, surely.

On the bright side, Salisbury won 3-0 on New Year's Day. And they're doing pretty well generally. Good luck to Nick Holmes and the boys in 2008, hopefully I'll be able to get to a few away games while I'm away. And then there's my teams! I was improving a fair bit at the tail-end of last term, I think, so maybe I can help the highsoc team out a bit more this year. Finally, our powerleague team, "The Nazgul of Minas Morgul" really picked up over the course of 6 games or so. We went from 30-5 defeats to winning a few and competing decently in each game we played. Can't wait for those games to start up again.

Now then, predictions. Liverpool will put together a decent run in the Champions League. I think we can beat Inter and make the semis. Similar in the FA cup. But we won't win anything. And we'll have to focus on slumping into 4th. Which we'll barely achieve. Rafa will be there until the end of the season. Unless we pick up, not much longer than that.

Salisbury should continue to develop - mid-table this season would be excellent. And realistically, cementing a place in the Blue Square Premier would be a huge achievement for the club. For Euro 2008 I can't look much further than the usual suspects. Germany, then Italy, France, Portugal (how they didn't take it in 2004 is a complete mystery). Two outsiders I would countenance are Croatia (they'd have to play a bit better than they were against England) and the Dutch. My prediction; Germany, or possibly Croatia.

Suffered a small death this evening. 2-1. Two years ago, Liverpool did something incredible during a final they didn't deserve to win. Tonight, we were worth a win, but it didn't go. We didn't create many chances, and Benitez probably set out too negatively. So now we're left to think about the what-if scenario of that dodgy goal not going in. I'm not upset, it happens, but I am a little disappointed.

With two deep lying midfielders, we never had enough men forward. We bossed the midfield, but Kuyt and Gerrard were too often the only players in attacking positions by the time the ball got to the front. We need 2 strikers and an attacking midfielder behind. Gerrard and Mascherano for centre midfield, I think. Unfortunately that leaves Alonso and Sissoko, both fine players, as squad players. Interesting to see what happens when Lucas joins next season. Summer signings up front look likely, especially if Bellamy also leaves, alongside Fowler.

We needed more from the wingers; Pennant isn't quite good enough, which pains me, because I wanted him to do well. I loved the idea of an English right winger who could take people on and cross the ball well. Maybe with time he could be that man but right now he's not good enough. Zenden hasn't impressed me at all, since he joined the club, and again, unfortunately, he's got to be replaced on the left wing. I would like to see Kewell come back flying, but I doubt he will. I'd love to see Gonzalez come good and I'm a bit more hopeful there.

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I have an Evolutionary Biology exam on Friday, 4.30pm and my revision starts tomorrow afternoon. I'm not stressed about it, to be honest, because it's multiple choice, I went to all the lectures, and I read the whole textbook last term. We'll see.

Right now, before I go and sleep, I'm listening to the Goddamn Electric Bill album, Swallowed By The Machines. It's comfy and pretty damn good, even if not particularly experimental or edgy.

Glastonbury tickets go on sale 9 am today. Can't say I feel too lucky, but let's see.

Liverpool 4 - 1 Arsenal. Oh wow, oh, wow. As if I wasn't having enough fun already asking Arsenal fans how it feels to only have third place to compete for at the end of the season. Truly, though, my disliking of Arsenal is merely playful. True venom is saved up for those arch-fiends, Chelsea and Manchester United. I hope with time I'll run out of reasons to hate them so.

And finally, I'm listening to a wonderful debate on the radio. I do like Stephen Nolan's show, actually, as silly as it is. Discussion of the chocolate jesus has broken out. One caller wants to know "'Oo's going to chomp it when it melts, and what would Damien of Hirst do?", Damien of Hirst being, of course, his ecclesiasticle name (other accepted nomenclature; Damien the Shark-sealer;  the Cowcutter of Hirst).
Another caller, a wonderfully stereotyped aged catholic lady named Marjorie, continually insists that the extremely offended american priest/churchperson is exhibiting feelings of lust towards this chocolate jesus that she wants covered up, and repeatedly cries down the telephone "The sin is in you! The sin is in you!!!".

Fivelive, the source and cure to all my grief.

Edit: The chocolate jesus, in case you were wondering.

FC Barcelona 1 - 2 Liverpool FC. Well, that could have gone worse. That said, our goals were *well* dodgy. Not so dodgy as the refereeing though.

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Dear Michel Platini,

I think it would be in the mutual benefit of the competition and most of the stronger all-round teams if it were made legal for possession of the football to pass from one team to the other without the referee indicating a free kick to barcelona.

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Here's hoping for the second leg.